raw
Today has been one of the worst days in my life. We found out we were pregnant with our second child 6 weeks ago. I was going to announce my pregnancy publicly to all of my friends and photographer friends on Friday once I had my first check up. I even had the blog post all written out saved as a draft to press publish on Friday. I had told a bunch of friends but hadn’t gone public with it because I just wasn’t ready. I wanted to relish in the happiness of my pregnancy. I also announced that Salt Lake City would be my last workshop for a while too because of my pregnancy. I just hadn’t said anything yet as to why it was my last one.
On Sunday, I started to spot a little and I wasn’t too concerned because it happened with our daughter but Monday there was more and it scared me. My husband and I have not had insurance in almost 2 years and my husband finally got a job that has full benefits starting April 1st. I got scared yesterday and went to the doctor knowing full well that my insurance hadn’t kicked in and the bills will have to be paid out of my own pocket. At that point, I really did not care. I just wanted to make sure baby was ok.
The doctor used the doppler thing and couldn’t find a heart beat and then used a really old school ultra sound machine and still couldn’t find a heartbeat. She told me I could come in for a better ultrasound this morning. She also told me that I could wait until Thursday when my insurance kicks in to see if the baby was ok. There was no way I was going to wait that long before I found out. It was already awful thinking my baby might not be alive but absolutely hoping for the best. Talk about being completely heart wrenched. Waiting from 4 p.m yesterday until 10 am this morning to find out your baby is no longer living. Today at the ultrasound, we found out that the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks and was no longer alive.
I am completely devastated right now. I never knew what it was like to lose a child but I do now and to all of the mom’s out there I know your pain. It is so raw in me right now. As my husband and I were picking names already and planning for this arrival in October. I do not wish anything like this on any family.
After my husband and I found out we sat in the parking lot just crying. We didn’t say a word to each other. We just cried. Then, I wanted to go see my mom. She doesn’t work too far from us so we went to see her. I did not want to tell her over the phone. I just wanted a hug from her and that I got. My mom held it together so well for us but as soon as I turned to leave I heard the tears rushing.
Then, we just felt like going to church. John and I are very strong believers in Jesus and we just felt compelled to be amongst our friends. Our Pastor was there as well as other good friends. We sat in their room and cried more and prayed and thanked God for the blessing of this child and knowing that God is taking care of this baby for us until we get to our baby.
As I sit here now, knowing I still have this baby inside my womb not living is completely and utterly down right heart wrenching. I never thought this would happen to me. I know, no one in their right minds wants this to happen to them. You start making plans to paint and decorate the baby room, getting out the old baby gates, thinking of reorganizing everything and thinking of names and although the baby is yet so small you get so attached to baby that you just fall in love with them.
My husband has taken the day off and some friends of ours just came to the door. I should go out to see them but yet somehow typing this is soothing me a little. I am still very raw and my eyes hurts from the insane amount of tears that I have shed. I am sure there will be many more tears too.
Please allow me some time to get back on my feet. I am sorry if I am not answering phone calls, emails or texts. I need some time by myself to heal.
To the ladies that are hosting my workshops in Michigan and Ontario, I will be in touch with you very soon so we can finalize everything.
To all of my customers, I am very sorry. I just need some time away from the computer and just spend time with my husband and daughter.
I am so thankful I have my daughter. She is such a joy in our lives. Her little laugh will heal my sorrow. Her sweet smile will heal my pain. Through her I see the Lord working in us. I have to take each blessing that I have and Thank God for them. Thank you Lord for healing all of my pain and sorrow of the loss of our second child. As tears just stream and don’t stop you know every tear that I cry and you embrace me and love me. Thank you Lord for keeping me up, for loving me, and for putting loving people in my path to comfort me. You are my comforter and I take refuge in you. I am so thankful that I know you and you know me.
Thank you for reading this. Please allow me some time to heal. I will get back with you shortly.
love,
ali
This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 30th, 2010 at 4:07 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
kristen March 30th, 2010 at 7:21 pm
I am so sorry Ali. What an awful thing to go through. Your faith will keep you going. And you will be with your baby someday. Our prayers are with you and your husband.